[11-12-31 8:20:29 PM] Justin: currently writing my bio for my website. having a hard time
[11-12-31 8:20:37 PM] A: can i write it for u
[11-12-31 8:20:38 PM] Justin: maybe i should just put that
[11-12-31 8:20:49 PM] Justin: J P IS A DOPE ASS NIGGA> SUMTIMES HE TAKES PICAS
[11-12-31 8:20:54 PM] A: HAHAHAHA
[11-12-31 8:20:59 PM] A: i was writing something but that is way better
[11-12-31 8:21:04 PM] A: just tell people i wrote that
[11-12-31 8:21:40 PM] A: justin is a 20 sumthing photographer from some small town is this sounding familiar to you
[11-12-31 8:22:04 PM] A: his interests are nsx, slurpees, and cats
[11-12-31 8:22:13 PM] A: no gay stuff
[11-12-31 8:22:18 PM] A: there. just wrote your bio.

A Marie
i just actually can't have another depressing new years
or i will murder myself
in this motel
i'll make it a triple homocide suicide
Zoe
omg
hahaha
A Marie
it really makes me feel better that you laugh at my murder jokes
i always imagine it's kind of nervous
Zoe
haha well...yes.
A Marie
HAHA
Zoe
but only slightly.

i miss her a lot and haven't seen her in over a week ok

[11-12-28 5:27:45 PM] Zoe K: how are you?
[11-12-28 5:27:55 PM] A: i'm ok you
[11-12-28 5:28:04 PM] Zoe K: same
[11-12-28 5:28:14 PM] A: i just got home from work
[11-12-28 5:28:15 PM] A: it was the worst
[11-12-28 5:28:18 PM] A: i feel dead inside
[11-12-28 5:28:22 PM] Zoe K: hahaha
[11-12-28 5:28:26 PM] Zoe K: have some bacon and cheese
[11-12-28 5:28:33 PM] A: omg maybe i will
[11-12-28 5:28:39 PM] A: you know what revitalizes my body and mind
[11-12-28 5:28:40 PM] A: thank u

modern day romance

[11-12-27 12:07:57 AM] A: i'm a monster
[11-12-27 12:08:07 AM] A: tell me i'm a pretty sausage
[11-12-27 12:08:26 AM] Justin: ur the prettiest sausage
[11-12-27 12:08:31 AM] A: thank you.
[11-12-27 12:08:35 AM] A: now i know you truly care about me
[11-12-27 12:08:41 AM] Justin: pretty little pork inside a pretty little casing
[11-12-27 12:08:46 AM] Justin: pretty sausage
[11-12-27 12:08:47 AM] A: HAHAHAHAHA
[11-12-27 12:08:50 AM] A: that sounds so creepy
[11-12-27 12:08:54 AM] Justin: yeah
[11-12-27 12:09:01 AM] Justin: especially when you think about the casing
[11-12-27 12:09:02 AM] A: we're romantic aren't we
[11-12-27 12:09:09 AM] Justin: we r the notebook

i'm in fucking love with this woman and her face/voice.

merry xmas to all and to all a good night.

A Marie
HAHAHA zoe
awe man kids are awesome tho
they're like little retarded forms of entertainment
and you can like make them be whatever u want
Mika
you make it sound like they are your puppets haha
A Marie
yeah
extremely well crafted lifelike puppets
also they're going to be from me so they're going to be cute as hell obviously
unless i really fuck up in the incubation period
Mika
"incubation period"? what are you, a lab experiment
A Marie
yeah like when you raise baby chicks
and you have to put them under a light
htat's what i'm going to do
Mika
"amanda, honey, youve been under that light for 6 hours and-"
"JUST ANOTHER HOUR, DONT WANT TO FUCK THIS KID UP BEFORE IT EVEN COMES OUT. NOW GET ME BACON"
A Marie
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA yeah i'm just going to eat bacon and pickles and also chocolate
and then shine a light on me all hours of the day
and knit
and then you know how they play like classical music so they kid comes out smart
i'm going to play rap music to my stomach
so it comes out gangster as shit
just a little thug baby
Mika
it would be hilarious if you did that and it made your baby hate rap haha
A Marie
i'll make it hate u
Mika
thats impossible
kids love me
A Marie
i dunno man
i'm going to compare u to hitler really subtly alot
my baby will also know who hitler is from the womb
i'm going to teach it about my heritage early
Mika
i'll then point out who the german is in this equation and logic will reign supreme



mika don't you fight me on my child raising techniques you impossibly logical bastard

hey guess what, things are pretty good. i haven't had a pepsi all week and even though I mad crave it all the time, i'm going to see how long i can go without. the weather has been crazy nice and and warm, above ten all week. it snowed last night but it's all gone now. looks like we probably won't have a white christmas.

company pizza party is in an hour. gonna go for the pizza and to see my cousins, little lights of my life. they are seriously the most adorable little people i've ever met. i might be biased because they're family, but honestly, i never want callum to get into the girls have cooties phase and stop hugging me and telling me he loves me.

tonight i have to go on a present wrapping frenzy and then will spend the rest of it knitting with hope on the couch. this relaxation stuff has been good.

gonna start a "shit my boyfriend says" blog over the holidays because we always say ludicrous shit to one another.

but i guess that means we'll probably have to talk more blegh gross.

he treats me naice and stuff.

still studying. my days are spent pretty much entirely just eating, studying, and knitting. i also watch a lot of it's always sunny. i'm going to be all caught up soon and then i'll just have to watch movies for the rest of the holidays.

wednesday after my exam i think i'm going to go to toronto with zozo and hang out with her and mika if the weather's good. need to get my mind off stuff and just relax.

for now i'm going to do laundry and watch tv and knit more. a thousand errands to run tomorrow and then studying in the imprint office most likely. blegh..

I really miss this:


being home has been tiring so far. i'm stressed out and feel at the end of my rope. my exam is on wednesday and then i'm finished my first semester of my last year of undergrad. paidfnpqwienfoi. next semester i get to start working again. kind of looking forward to it, but also not since i won't get to be on campus as much and i'm probably going to miss that.

i've been knitting and watching a lot of it's always sunny. i'm on the fifth season right now. also been running about a thousand errands so i can get ready for next sem before christmas holidays start. did all of my xmas shopping yesterday. i'm a pro? i'm going to start on my second sweater tomorrow. it's also freiburger family xmas tomorrow, so that will be sum shitshow. hope and i are bagging off and only showing up for the dinner. but we're actually studying, so i guess we have a good excuse, instead of just doing drugs or whatever our cousins are doing nowadays. dropping out of high school maybe?

my mom knit me these slipper socks and they are honestly the coziest things i've ever worn. i'm obsessed with them. well with slippers in general actually, i think i have around five pairs.

i have so much that i need to do before the holidays and only like a week to do it in and it's making my head hurt just thinking about it. i need to focus on studying and grad applications this weekend before i even think about getting to anything else. barf.

hey did i mention i really miss this retard?

pretty indicative of our relationship i think.

Things here are purdy great. i wake up beside the best boy, get cuddles, we walk around the city and do things, sometimes he makes me hold things for photoshoots. i clean his kitchen and make gingerbread houses and cookies. he takes me to buy vintage books and i am in heaven. last night almost fell asleep in the wheelchair while watching him edit. could get used to it.

justin bought me a knife that matches his, only smaller to fit my hand, and it is the best thing ever. also a hardcover version of dubliners that i am drooling over. "by that drunk you like" thanks jp.

now he's in class so i'm going to go shower and ice the gingerbread house and maybe do dishes if i feel like it. bye blog!

still in calgary with tha boyfran



about to go walk to grab pizza. so addicted to booster juice right now... it's a problem. fortunately jp still hasn't converted me to slurpee.

tomorrow we're seein sum waterfalls. then helping with shoot on sunday. spontaneous early trip here was best idea. missed everything, love calgary.

guess wat. i'm in calgary with this dude, that's what.

[11-12-04 9:28:32 PM] A: why am i listening to blink 182
[11-12-04 9:28:47 PM] Zoe K: because you've gone back in time and are 13 years old again.
[11-12-04 9:28:58 PM] A: HAHAH
[11-12-04 9:28:58 PM] A: oh god
[11-12-04 9:29:00 PM] A: this is horrible
[11-12-04 9:29:01 PM] A: i have braces
[11-12-04 9:29:04 PM] Zoe K: HAHAHAHA

study day round two. halfway through my study questions. finished all my readings. crying on the inside. 2300 words done on my essay. needs some editing. everything will be soooo good after tomorrow around 8 o'clock.

i'm going to wait for ezra to get to the office then we're going to have a dance party to "no scrubs" by TLC, which is our jam.

WHAT EVEN IS SLEEP. I AM SO TIRED.

okay back to the grind.

seeing this romantic motherfucker in one day.

spending the day studying in the office for final on monday. sooooo nice and quiet here. going to go get food and stock up on snacks and tea for the rest of the night.

was in the worst mood ever last night but then booked spontaneous flight tickets to calgary. turned into the best mood. seeing jp in 2 days is pretty cool.



I AM GOING TO ORDER A PIZZA TONIGHT THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

i actually went to sleep at a reasonable hour last night and woke up possibly more tired than usual. i think i've just gotten used to not getting sleep. it's snowing out and i need to go drop off letters of recommendation to profs and order transcripts for my graduate applications.

now i'm going to go meet zo because she's up so early and that is strange for her and also she is stressed out having so much to do so i bought her a present and am going to go get her tim hortons and a hug. got my gurl covered.

this weekend i am probably going to lose my mind!! look forward to it

i'm tired!

i finally sent out care package today. it was fun, but one thing is still in the works, so another will be sent out in the new year most likely.

tomorrow is the Imprint staff lunch, and i'm STOKED because it's at one of my favourite restaurant in KW. Bauer Kitchens for the win. it'll be fun to see everyone dressed up and lookin classy.

then later it's the imprint after party. or 'not' after party as we're technically not legally allowed to have anything like that affiliated with imprint, but seriously, who gives a shit.

okay i've officially done nothing tonight so my saturday is going to be filled with studying and essay writing. end of the semester, you are so close!!

i was going insane waiting to take a final that ezra kept telling me i was going to "rock like a hurricane" so then this happened in the imprint office:







three way tiny chat while sitting on the same couch was literally teh stupidest thing i've ever done. then people yelled at us to stop because everythign was laggy and we just kept laughing at hearing ourselves and then repeating things over and over to make sweet beats. mika went insane and yelled at us to stop, too. he doesn't understand the beautiful music ezra and i are capable of making.

then i went and wrote a midterm! fuck you 18th century lit! i am never reading anything from your shitty century, ever again!!!

now i'm going to go knit and work on care package so i can send it out tomorrow :3 so excited to have the day off... i'm going to do... everything.

i'm a happy apanda today.

going for hotpot at michael's with all my favourite people. need it to relax from the craziness of this week. ugh stressing just thinking about it. final tomorrow and then i NEVER have to think about shitty 18th century lit ever again. then just finishing 10 page paper and final on monday. then done. then working on finishing up grad apps over the holidays.

yap dats all folks.

A Marie:
OMG
playing boggle today i got the word wet
and i was like 'i got wet'
and everyone was like 'WHAT IS UP WITH YOU AND BOGGLE?!?!'
Zoe:
HAHAHAHA
OMG GROSS AMANDA
A Marie:
HAHAHAHAH WTF
D:
boggle is my kink
Zoe:
HAHAHAHA
weird boggle sex
A Marie:
yeah baby make a word for me
make it five letters ooooh yah

seriously zoe who even are you

[11-11-28 12:49:45 AM] Zoe K: haha is that a rap?
[11-11-28 12:50:34 AM] A: are you for real of course it is a rap
[11-11-28 12:50:48 AM] Zoe K: yeah i thought it might be because it rhymed but it was about being cool.
[11-11-28 12:50:55 AM] A: HAHAHAH ALL RAP IS ABOUT BEING COOL

bought new popcorn baby.

can't stop staring at it...

so pretty much going to order a pizza and write the shit out of this essay on the uncanny in joyce and yeats.

written after his pregnant girlfriend had an abortion. this song almost always makes my heart hurt.

WHAT IS MY LIFE COMING TO.

tonight, a guy i used to hang out with in high school messages me this:

Mark:
amanda, youre gansta as shit. i want to see the same status updates when youre 50
A Marie:
oh you can bet on that
Mark:
aha


I HAVEN'T TALKED TO HIM IN FOUR YEARS. SERIOUSLY. is my facebook that revealing? i'm glad people like me.

Mark:
are you going all the way to Dr. Burger?
A Marie:
hopefully!
need sum street cred
Mark:
i'll be calling you Dr. Burgs
DJ Dr. Burgz
A Marie:
HAHAHAHA
ok perfect


seriously this conversation is getting good.

just remembering laying on the floor in kara's basement listening to this song and singing along.

singing now, too.

"you look really pretty when you're happy about him"

i'm cooking zoe dinner tonight because we have sensory overload from being at imprint too much. everyone there has to yell everything. so much smack talk during games. four way chinese checkers threw zoe over the edge i think.

we're gonna have a girls night and eat delicious pasta and garlic bread and also work on essays. and watch parks and rec. ok? ok.

about to run to class. i'm so sick of not getting sleep. i hate that lump in your throat when you have suspicion someone's lied to you. things don't add up. this is not going to be a good day.

k gonna go make a sandwich.

ok this is the last i swear for a while guyz but i just really luv her and she gets me ok

[11-11-23 12:12:46 AM] A: i'm stoked we became so close this year. i don't even remember how it happened!!
[11-11-23 12:12:56 AM] Zoe K: i know!
[11-11-23 12:12:58 AM] Zoe K: it was so gradual
[11-11-23 12:13:02 AM] Zoe K: it was in mcarthur's class!
[11-11-23 12:13:07 AM] A: oh yeah!!!
[11-11-23 12:13:13 AM] Zoe K: no wonder i love his class so much
[11-11-23 12:13:23 AM] A: hahahaha aweee <3
[11-11-23 12:13:31 AM] A: you're the best
[11-11-23 12:13:44 AM] Zoe K: no you.
[11-11-23 12:13:49 AM] A: NO I SAID YOU FIRST D:
[11-11-23 12:15:02 AM] Zoe K: WELL WE'RE LIKE THE SAME PERSON SO ANYTIME WE COMPLIMENT EACH OTHER WE'RE COMPLIMENTING OURSELVES
[11-11-23 12:16:06 AM] A: OMG
[11-11-23 12:16:16 AM] A: DID WE JUST BECOME BEST FRIENDS?!
[11-11-23 12:17:22 AM] Zoe K: I HOPE YOU'RE QUOTING STEP BROTHERS BECAUSE YUP!
[11-11-23 12:17:26 AM] A: HAHAHAHA YESSSSS!!!!

[11-11-22 5:59:46 PM] A: do you think i could like...
[11-11-22 5:59:50 PM] A: three way marry the guys from workaholics?
[11-11-22 5:59:58 PM] A: like my mom always said if i try hard enough i could do anything.
[11-11-22 6:06:21 PM] Zoe K: HAHAHA
[11-11-22 6:06:37 PM] Zoe K: yeah do it. And please could I come to your three way wedding?
[11-11-22 6:06:49 PM] A: yeah of course you'll be my bridesmaid
[11-11-22 6:06:54 PM] Zoe K: sweeeet
[11-11-22 6:07:00 PM] Zoe K: can we all wear bear coats?
[11-11-22 6:07:03 PM] A: just please don't slit my throat on my wedding day
[11-11-22 6:07:12 PM] A: that's a pretty obvious question zoe
[11-11-22 6:07:12 PM] Zoe K: HAHAH what?!
[11-11-22 6:07:17 PM] A: WHEN THEY SLIT KARL'S THROAT?
[11-11-22 6:07:21 PM] Zoe K: HAHAHAAHAHAHAHA

[11-11-22 12:02:49 AM] A: ugghhh okay i'm moving upstairs to my bed
[11-11-22 12:02:52 AM] A: for some reason that seems like a good idea
[11-11-22 12:05:19 AM] Zoe K: lol you're going to fall asleep!
[11-11-22 12:05:22 AM] Zoe K: i'm so hungry
[11-11-22 12:05:24 AM] Zoe K: so i threw up those candies
[11-11-22 12:05:27 AM] Zoe K: worst things i ever ate
[11-11-22 12:05:58 AM] Zoe K: like halfway through that pack my body was like "oh girl, you made a mistake."
[11-11-22 12:06:22 AM] A: oh my god.
[11-11-22 12:06:31 AM] A: i can't believe you threw up!!
[11-11-22 12:06:38 AM] A: was it colourful
[11-11-22 12:06:42 AM] Zoe K: yeah and gross
[11-11-22 12:06:43 AM] Zoe K: had some bagel in it
[11-11-22 12:06:45 AM] Zoe K: i threw up from looking at it
[11-11-22 12:06:51 AM] A: ugh gross
[11-11-22 12:06:52 AM] A: UGH
[11-11-22 12:06:57 AM] Zoe K: hahahaha
[11-11-22 12:06:57 AM] A: i'm gonna throw up hearing about it
[11-11-22 12:07:00 AM] Zoe K: HAHAHA
[11-11-22 12:07:04 AM] A: puke party
[11-11-22 12:07:17 AM] Zoe K: ugh omg gross. You're gonna make me puke
[11-11-22 12:07:27 AM] A: HAHAHA YOU ALREADYS PUKED
[11-11-22 12:07:42 AM] Zoe K: HAHAHA STOP SERIOUSLY I FEEL LIKE PUKING.
[11-11-22 12:07:58 AM] A: OKAY SORRY I'LL STOP
[11-11-22 12:08:23 AM] Zoe K: do we yell like this in real life?
[11-11-22 12:09:11 AM] A: i think we do

skype dates are my fave. staying up til 4am to talk to you about dumb stuff is my fave.

[11-11-20 9:45:33 PM] A: i gotta pee
[11-11-20 9:45:33 PM] A: but there's this cat on my lap
[11-11-20 9:45:43 PM] A: and she looks so happy
[11-11-20 9:45:44 PM] Zoe K: HAHHAA
[11-11-20 9:45:50 PM] Zoe K: can't they sense when things need to pee? I thought it was one of their powers.
[11-11-20 9:45:54 PM] A: HAHA
[11-11-20 9:46:00 PM] A: i think that's when things are going to die
[11-11-20 9:46:00 PM] A: they like it
[11-11-20 9:46:04 PM] Zoe K: oh
[11-11-20 9:46:14 PM] A: omg
[11-11-20 9:46:16 PM] Zoe K: yeah there's something malicious about them that make them so cool
[11-11-20 9:46:18 PM] A: is hse on me because i'm going to die
[11-11-20 9:46:18 PM] A: omg
[11-11-20 9:46:27 PM] Zoe K: OMG.
[11-11-20 9:46:29 PM] Zoe K: push it off
[11-11-20 9:46:30 PM] A: I AM GOING TO DIE?!?!
[11-11-20 9:46:31 PM] Zoe K: PUSH IT OFF!
[11-11-20 9:46:32 PM] A: HAHAHAHA
[11-11-20 9:46:34 PM] A: does that work?!
[11-11-20 9:46:35 PM] Zoe K: PUSH IT OFF, AMANDA!
[11-11-20 9:46:37 PM] A: like i'll just live if i push her off?
[11-11-20 9:46:39 PM] Zoe K: YOU CAN BEAT THIS!
[11-11-20 9:46:44 PM] A: or has she already decided
[11-11-20 9:46:48 PM] Zoe K: ...what
[11-11-20 9:46:49 PM] Zoe K: WHAT

seriously, she keeps me young. or at least crazy.

[11-11-20 8:10:41 PM] Zoe K: you look put together
[11-11-20 8:10:49 PM] A: yeah but not like i'm going to a gala every night
[11-11-20 8:10:54 PM] A: just like i took a shower or whatever
[11-11-20 8:11:00 PM] Zoe K: omg if you're not put together, i am a homeless person who washes myself with seven up.
[11-11-20 8:11:06 PM] A: HAHAHAHAHAHA WHY SEVEN UP
[11-11-20 8:11:14 PM] Zoe K: because..that's a drink at seven eleven and they always hang out there..
[11-11-20 8:11:18 PM] Zoe K: or something
[11-11-20 8:11:25 PM] A: sounds like you've thought about this a lot
[11-11-20 8:11:30 PM] Zoe K: I DON'T KNOW I CAN'T GET INSIDE THE MIND OF A HOMELESS PERSON

probably one of my top 3 songs from this album.

two hours sleep. quiet here is good. started another application. that's 3 of 5 now. another prof emailed last night saying she'd be happy to write my recommendations. cool.

feels like my body's starting to battle against me. eating was stupid this morning, nothing tasted like anything. lucky charms were okay though.

gonna edit this essay today, get information together for this prof, type up an old essay for her, then go home and force eat dinner. then applying to another place, printing off recommendation forms, and start trying to cater my statement of interest to specific places/programs. i reread my statement and actually felt kind of good about myself. i've been worried i'm not doing the right thing applying to grad school, but reading that and remembering that the profs i've shown it to have had very little bad to say or comment about it made me feel like it's the right thing. i have things to say about literature and to contribute and maybe my degree is stupid but it's my passion and maybe someday i can help people the same way the amazing profs i've had did for me, too. gay.

alright. time to get it done. two weeks left. crunch time.

but not really, you say the nastiest shit in bed and it's fucking awesome.

Amanda & Mika (mostly) 90's Study Playlist

this is kind of embarrassing but also hilarious that we did this tonight

1. Could Have Been a Lady - April Wine
2. You're So Real - Matchbox 20
3. Whole Lotta Love - Led Zeppelin
4. Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning) - Vertical Horizon
5. Semi-Charmed Life - Third Eye Blind
6. Beast of Burden - The Rolling Stones
7. Down on the Corner - CCR
8. Wild Horses - The Rolling Stones
9. Kiss from a Rose - Seal
10. Everything You Want - Vertical Horizon
11. High - Tabitha's Secret
12. Hungry Like the Wolf - Duran Duran
13. Everybody - Backstreet Boys
14. MMBop - Hanson
15. Doctor Jones - Aqua
16. Teenage Dirtback - Wheetus
17. Something to Talk About - Bonnie Raitt
18. Lay All Your Love On Me - ABBA
19. Closing Time - Tom Waits
20. Freshman - The Verve Pipe
21. Shape of My Heart - Backstreet Boys
22. Bye Bye Bye - N'Sync
23. Wonderwall - Oasis
24. I Only Wanna Be With You - Hootie and the Blowfish
25. Inside of You - Hoobastank
26. Everlong - Foo Fighters
27. Getting Jiggy With It - Will Smith
28. Pour Some Sugar On Me - Def Leopard
29. Truly Madly Deeply - Savage Garden
30. Pretty Fly for a White Guy - The Offspring
31. Ice Ice Baby - Vanilla Ice
32. Iris - Goo Goo Dolls
33. In the End - Linkin Park
34. Torn - Natalie Imbruglia
35. Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) - Green Day

k gonna go watch Jeopardy then study to this playlist.

drake pretty much writes songs about women that i can get behind. kind a shit i'd like to hear about myself.

just as a side note to my entire life...

WHY do they make you apply for grad school during the BUSIEST time of your FOURTH YEAR. these applications are really getting on my tits.

in other news, i'm so tired of sending emails to profs/graduate advisors of different schools. i'm learning tons about the schools that never get back to me and lots about the ones that do so promptly. seriously mcgill, i'm looking at you, you pretentious fucks. answer my email.

i want one more school to apply to... can't decide which/where... i think it's up in the air between ubc and concorida. in mika's words: either good weed, or no weed. fuck it i'm applying to yale.

A Marie Freiburger
uhhh so i yelled at chui for not listening to teh drake album yet
Zoe Kim
loll
A Marie Freiburger
and he's like 'it's 80 minutes long!! when would i have the time to listen to that?!'
i listened to it four times yesterday...
Zoe Kim
HAHAHA
A Marie Freiburger
FOUR TIMES
Zoe Kim
but all you have to do is put it on while you work or something
you don' thave to just sit there and stare at itunes while it plays lol
A Marie Freiburger
yeah that's ture
but wouldn't it be hilarious if i thought that's what you had to do

getting panda'd so hard by this entire week. 2 hours of nightmare sleep is not enough sleep. night class today, so it's going to be a long day...

i want to ask questions but i feel like if i ask questions, it goes against me saying i will keep it out of my mouth. so i'll just keep my mouth shut for now.

i am going to spend the rest of this afternoon writing more of this essay while listening to the new drake and gambino albums. both good.



IF I'M A FAGGOT, SPELL IT RIGHT, I GOT WAY MORE THAN TWO G'S.

i don't care how GAY this makes me, this song is fuckin relevant.

speed writing - written in 5 minutes.

There are no skeletons in the closet, they're all lying at the door. I am going to be the one who blows your mind, every. single. time. I can't tell a lie – i have a tell. You tell me that there are oceans, there is something sublime, there is an overwhelming wave of emotion in my chest and i can't comprehend it but i am writing it, there are no words for it: awe. Mix of terror and love. Like how laughter and crying involve the same movements, the same hunch of shoulders, gasping of air: halfway between speaking and breathing. I tell you things the only way i know how to tell them. This is about revealing, about peeling back skin, about layers. I'll show you yours if you show me mine, are you fucking kidding me.

I am writing you in 1,000 words or less, i have a knack for the uncanny, the unheimlich. This is a fucking kairotic moment, tell me if i'm doing it right, tell me if all of my life can pivot in an instant. Literature taught me that to be a hero you have to be poetic, that to be understood you need to take a fucking point of view, but that everything is ambiguous, everything is perfectly paralleled and it cuts me to the bone, cuts quick. I am taking with me every single word. Do not get me wrong. I can end you with my tongue – do you see what I did there, double meaning, ambiguity.

Sweet talking while you're the one that holds the knife, i am good at second guessing, i am good at second everything. I play second fiddle, I love to write you off. I will tell you exactly how you are, I will read you like an open fucking book. I am not going to fuck things up. When I kicked you in the face after you pulled me down the stairs, each bruise a memory, every time I thought love was a thing and it wasn't, there was only ever one before but there could be another. Press my fingertips to the bruises on my inner thighs, light yellow, a reminder, I think, it's going to fade, but not the feeling. Nothing hurts unless you make it. I promise not to make it.

after being around jp for a week, i realized i have four watches. need to start wearing them again. most recent is white leather band with a diamond at noon. my men's watch is my favourite one, but clunky and huge and everyone hates it.

also check out the new grandpa sweater i bought this weekend guys:



it's so soft i'm literally dying. i'm never going to remove it. girl in store was like 'omg i bought that sweater and i wasn't sure i liked it but now i like, LOVE IT' really, why did you buy something you don't like? i don't understand humanity. i don't spend my money unless i love something, which is all sweaters, ever...

saw a guy i was super good friends with/saw for a couple months in high school. didn't work out because we were too good of friends, but it was so weird seeing him! he nudged me at the cross walk on campus and i like looked up and did a double take. he drives a shitty car and it kind of suits him? he was wearing those hipster raybans and apparently still plays hockey, it was so strange. told me he liked my letter jacket. point one for letter jacket!!! anyway it was good catching up for like 3 seconds then i went to my car and blasted the game on the way home.

now i'm going to go study for the rest of the day for my midterm at 7. seriously guys, fuck night class.

additions to the calgary list:

- in the airport, girl watching JP for about an hour before I get there, then apparently giving me the dirtiest looks ever when i arrive/hug him
- TV time with luke and JP
- JP almost passing out
- Watching Fight Club in the mazda while waiting for a cab
- holding hams on the train. holding hams in the back of the cab. holding hams everywhere we walked.
- knowing how to perform REAL SCIENCE. can't wait to do more experiments
- Looking at hideous jeans for men in winners
- Making video of rolling the car around the skull
- "dat flat" as we drive and see a really really pretty plain.
- having complete silence in the car between us for extended periods of time and realizing that it's really nice and really okay
- falling asleep in his arms, one under my pillow/neck, the other around my waist, his nose touching my neck.
- "don't be gay"
- not being able to stop crying because i didn't want to go home, then having him play the saddest fucking songs, having to make him change it and he changes it to "runaway" which makes me cry more. then having him say the fucking nicest things to me i've ever heard, which made it worse. then having him say something dumb which made me laugh, and having everything be okay.
- jp wiping away my tears with his thumbs at the airport
- cleaning my makeup off my face with his spit in the elevator "oh that's your freckle"
- "MASTER. OF PUPPETS." jp moving my hands up and down like a puppet
- listening to adele on the way to get slurpees
- discovering that tim hortons cups in calgary are subtly different from ontario ones, and that their larges are smaller than ours
- "i really feel like tea right now" "omg tea would be so good right now" = we don't make tea all night/week"
- "that is ridiculous! has he never heard of the olympics?!"
- wishing i had 6 grand to go buy that set of hardcover books omgomg bookgasm... one day u will be mine
- calling me combo and bigger
- never being able to take that one hill really fast because there was a crash that one week and then there was a car going slowly in front of us
- wrestling in bed with a knife "okay seriously we are going to get hurt"
- letting me wear the lambskin drive gloves :3 so good
- drawing on backs game that was probably the shittiest version of that game known to man
- pulling blankets over our heads to make a tent
- laying in bed staring at ceiling telling each other stories and secrets at midnight
- collecting dishes "what are you doing?" "i'm going to do the dishes" "NO YOU'RE NOT" apparently not being allowed to do dishes so i did them in secret one night while jp was doing work
- dinosaur with the hat on "who made him this hat? how did he get that hat on with his little arms? who put that hat on that dinosaur? did he specify that type of hat, or just any hat?" so many questions. these are the hardhitting news questions of today
- al goring the shit outta that greenhouse gas talk we had
- meeting luke, two minutes after meeting luke "luke can you check on me in a little to make sure i'm still conscious?" i make good first impressions
- jp tired as fuck the morning of his crit, going insane and wildly bouncing around/singing me ignition
- jp telling me stories about yeast infection smell and also some dude fucking a girl with his shirt over his nose

remembered some more stuff. mostly justin just wanted that first one added to the list because he thought it was hilarious and apparently was the dirtiest look he's ever seen someone give. i'm sad i missed this?!

i love when rappers can show how much they love their gurl too. makes me like them way more. probably one of my favourite songs on the album.

you're the one that i want, put everything on that.

i said 'fire engine' about 50 times during a 5 minute car ride to the party last night. that word just doesn't sound right!! it sounded way less right after i said it that much. zoe told me an example and it was 'make way for the fire engine' but no one says make way unless you're in ye olde england.

going to korean bbq for lunch... so tired and so much to do, but i should probably get out of the house for a couple minutes today. so much laundry to do that it's unreal. my dad just came into my room and my mom said he can't stop talking about keyboard cat now. my parents are ok people

seriously guys she is my best friend and even tho i want to move away i would miss her the most

[11-11-11 6:44:07 PM] Zoe K: oh nooo D:
[11-11-11 6:44:25 PM] Zoe K: if only we lived together i would make you tea and find zoolander gifs for you to laugh at
[11-11-11 6:44:27 PM] A: HAHAHAHA
[11-11-11 6:44:32 PM] A: hugs

[11-11-11 5:03:21 PM] Zoe K: hahaha
[11-11-11 5:03:22 PM] Zoe K: omg
[11-11-11 5:03:34 PM] Zoe K: [11-11-11 5:02:45 PM] Mihajlo Ilic: first you said that you would never leave me
merry were my days
then you told me life is never easyyyy
and left withlout a trace
[11-11-11 5:03:15 PM] Zoe K: omg my wrists just cut by themselves.
[11-11-11 5:06:35 PM] A: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[11-11-11 5:06:36 PM] A: YOU ARE AMAZING

i'm doing this new thing where i just post skype conversations i have with zoe.

sad truth about my life/the internet

A 11-11-11 12:12 AM
i sometimes wonder what my personality would be like if the internet didn't exist...
11-11-11 12:12 AM
like would i even be a real person
Zoe K 11-11-11 12:12 AM
me too
11-11-11 12:12 AM
hahhaa
A 11-11-11 12:12 AM
it scares me
Zoe K 11-11-11 12:12 AM
i would probably be really religious
A 11-11-11 12:12 AM
omg
11-11-11 12:12 AM
would you be in your cult
Zoe K 11-11-11 12:12 AM
like a crazy christian
A 11-11-11 12:12 AM
for real
Zoe K 11-11-11 12:12 AM
because internet is my religion now
A 11-11-11 12:12 AM
that is so true...
Zoe K 11-11-11 12:12 AM
yeah i would be hardcore into my cult
A 11-11-11 12:13 AM
like i worship it like 6 hours a day
11-11-11 12:13 AM
if i did ANYTHING as much as i did internet
11-11-11 12:13 AM
i would probably be really rich
Zoe K 11-11-11 12:13 AM
HAHAHA
11-11-11 12:13 AM
if i found school as interesting as the internet
11-11-11 12:13 AM
i would probably be a genius

[11-11-11 12:01:48 AM] Zoe K: mmm omg cheese
[11-11-11 12:01:54 AM] A: what are you doing to me
[11-11-11 12:01:55 AM] A: sotp.
[11-11-11 12:01:56 AM] A: stop right now.
[11-11-11 12:02:07 AM] Zoe K: i thought, "this won't taste that good" and i was wrong
[11-11-11 12:02:11 AM] A: D:
[11-11-11 12:02:14 AM] A: YOU WILL ALWAYS BE WRONG
[11-11-11 12:02:16 AM] A: WITH THAT LOGIC
[11-11-11 12:02:19 AM] Zoe K: HAHAHAHA
[11-11-11 12:02:29 AM] A: i wonder if cheese covered bacon is as good as it is in my head
[11-11-11 12:04:18 AM] Zoe K: ...omg you have to try it.
[11-11-11 12:04:26 AM] Zoe K: i will eat it vicariously through you
[11-11-11 12:04:44 AM] A: HAHA i always forget you can't partake in bacon
[11-11-11 12:04:47 AM] A: it's like... eating god.
[11-11-11 12:04:53 AM] A: i get all reverant
[11-11-11 12:04:59 AM] Zoe K: HAHAHA
[11-11-11 12:05:14 AM] Zoe K: it's like the birth of a unicorn in your mouth.
[11-11-11 12:05:18 AM] A: HAHAHAHAHA
[11-11-11 12:05:21 AM] A: exactly. such magic
[11-11-11 12:05:35 AM] Zoe K: bacon is the only kind of meat i still want to eat.
[11-11-11 12:05:44 AM] A: probably because it's the best kind

i just realized the only conversations that i have with zoe are about cheese or bacon or stripping or a combination of all three...

please don't let me fuck things up.

no one can come between me and my popcorn baby...

except me...

things feel good lately. he wants to avoid for awhile and i'll let him. i'm a good gurl like that.

guys now i'm obsessed with the new game album...

was awake/dressed/ready to go by 8 today. not bad. off to the library to study before class. gonna get this semester fuckin over with. just 3 weeks left...



for the record, imma wreck it. gonna listen to this in da mazda 2. i'm hard k.

Calgary highlights (while they're still fresh in my memory):

- Poulsenation's #1 hot top single
- "better get used to the dick flavour"
- "girl move in stop motion for me"
- Tripping over the sidewalk twice, then having JP exaggeratedly point out every single crack
- Making fun of man who "doesn't really open doors much"
- Making fun of man on train who is derpin bout some musaks
- Laughing until crying in bed.
- Watching American Psycho while drinkin Slurpee
- Having JP ask me if I want to be the king of the world at the top of the Trex
- Adventuring in Drumheller - Jp peed on a hoodoo
- Listening to hilarious standup on the way back
- Luke and Steph being so cute together I can't stand it and then now they're dating :3
- NOT PAYING LUKE TO SAY NICE THINGS ABOUT ME D:
- Safeway walks at 10 pm
- Blowing bubbles the entire way home while JP laughs at me
- Having meals cooked for me by a master chef
- Jp throwing an entire box of spaghetti into the sink and jumping in the air/swearing afterward while I cry laughing
- PJ party the first night eating McCain frozen cake and complaining about how we took way too much
- HANK'S FRIDGE
- We had so many rich man tissues to use because we were sniffly
- Buying orange juice, car mag and cookies, BECAUSE JP'S WORTH IT
- Helping jp finish his picture six months in the making. Having him wake me up at 4 in the morning to show me and being bleary but so happy for him.
- Skipping through ACAD in victory of being finished because we couldn't drift the mazda
- Caveman noises in the morning
- Alarm goes off "hope you don't mind, but I'm not going to turn that off" Alarm ends immediately afterward
- Colouring Michael Jackson dinosaur at Boston Pizza - JP calling me out the the waitress after she asks if she we need anything else "yeah, i need to know what colour clouds are"
- That smile whenever he came home.
- Finally doing the dirty dancing patrick swayze move and next time we're going to try spinning.
- "do you have food in your meatpocket?"
- "i like your hideyhole!"
- "feels good man"
- I swear if you tell me to chill one more time...
- Kitchen pardy with Luke eating vegetable soup while he talks about how much he loves tomato soup so he's drinking warm tomato juice.
- JP krumping in the elevator for me the minute after a man leaves
- JP dancing to rap in his bedroom while I lay in bed
- "I never sing." Justin sings every day every minute.
- Buying a dinosaur case for iphone that is holographic and goes naked when LIGHTNING STRIKES
- Making slurpee run right from the airport - good indicator of what i was getting in to
- JP looks at me, I stick out tongue, JP sticks out tongue, face making ensues - no matter where we are
- "pretty sure I've got to paint my wall and tighten my bed"
- Staying up until five in the morning - are you fucking kidding me?!
- Making JP run out of his bedroom to get the timer from the hallway
- Luke comes home while in the shower "we are just conserving water, that is responsible right?"
- Cuddling on memory foam, taking so many naps
- "I never walk to school with a grin like that"
- JP shows me how to flick open his knife
- First kiss happens, jp looks grumpy and goes to tie his shoes
- Walk to Wendy's late at night for dinner - get vengeance frostees
- Redeem said vengeance frostees, manager looks disappointed in self and can't look us in the eye "enjoy sir"
- JP gets hit by a derpin taxi, saves my life like the hero he is
- Drinkin pepsi all the time
- Quoting anchorman so much "milk was a bad decision", "you cut to the core of me baxter"
- JP texting me "come over" in the airport
- Finally figuring out what justin's stupid hand gesture means... :3
- "I am like a 13 year old boy" "me too!"
- Playing real life scrabble while watching some freaky fucking show on MTV
- Watching 1g5g and actually both laughing
- Baking a shitty first thing of cookies but totally redeeming myself on the last 3
- Movie style goodbye in the airport - typically i hate kissing in public but i didn't care one bit, was so hard to let go of his jacket and go through security.
- Crossing so many items off our list. Can't wait for the next time to make even more.

Miss Calgary so much. i know i'm missing some but they're all in my head. can't wait to go back and see that retard again.

she got a punisher shirt too, we get our his & her on

exactly how i feel right now.

i really don't wanna leave this place. that is real talk. it's going to be outrageously hard and it's going to hurt a lot. i am going to miss everything about here, especially jp. there are going to be big pieces of me that get left here when i go.

he makes me better. he makes me someone who is happy and laughs way too loud and way too long, he gets my humour and he calls me outrageous and ridiculous and i love it. he is definitely a good thing. being here has made me feel happier than i have in months. more at home and comfortable. we kind of fell into things like we'd been doing them all along. it's weird when that happens, but kind of great, right?

i really hope he doesn't forget me. i'm not going to forget a moment of this. thank god for my memory. i hope i can come down for reading week, and that it works out. even if i doesn't, i know we'll figure something out.

gonna go have a really great day now.

it's an american psycho kind of day.



pomegranate bluberry is the best flavour of this yogurt yet. diggin it. last night helped jp with his shoot, which was fun. we skipped through ACAD to celebrate being finished.

it snowed last night!! first snow of the winter and i got to have it in calgary. so excited. actually i just looked out the window and it's still snowing all blustery outside. hopefully day trip tomorrow is still a go.

got shitty board meeting in an hour... and naps with jp after that. for now i'm gonna go knit because i seriously need to finish this fucking scarf.

Guess what! i'm in calgary, that's what!! look at it:



also, i just found out that the next challenge for omguw is a flashmob... omg i am all over this.

calgary is great except for the lack of sleep and food. i guess that comes with the justin territory. i want to go exploring but i am afraid of being killed by crackheads or getting lost. both are very real options. will wait for jp's assistance in this matter.

in the meantime i am going to wait for jp to come visit quick, then i'm gonna write more of my story (at 1,000 words now! so behind...) later i'm helping him with a shoot. should be good.

I leave for calgary in nine hours. I can count those hours on my hands. shit just got real.

i started nanowrimo last month. i think i always knew it would be difficult, but not this difficult. I'm already writing my story like a short story and I can't really get out of how it's going. I only wrote 600 words last night, which is 400 short of my goal... Gonna have to make up for it somehow. I don't know that I'll be even close to 30,000 by the time the month ends. Unless I do nothing but write.

gonna miss zoe and mika a lot a lot.

okay it's time to go take my vitamins and go to the crackapractor. baaaii.

OMGUW event today! free hugs, coffee and ice cream at fedsexpress :3 excited to be givin sum hugs to everyone during midterm season as alterego mod a (:



hey guys my eyes look pretty green today!! wild. calgary in one day!! ONE DAY?! ya i go to calgary tomorrow, where i get to meet this cool dude:



and then fight him to death. and also watch a magic show!! so excite.

i make her say...

a got a hole in me now
yeah i got a scar i can talk about.

i don't want to be needed.

okay marry me now...

going to sushi with ethan soon. then later working on art blog & study date with my zoe.

matchbox 20 kick is still going pretty strong... dunno if it'll wear off anytime soon.

calgary in 4 days now. holy shit. i should start getting ready for that.

Trying to ward off the sick... hot water with lemon and honey has been helping. sleep might but i don't foresee it in my near future.

Maybe a nap on the imprint couch after my midterm tomorrow is in order... we'll see.

mika's making me do stupid things to cheer me up.

why are you guilty for the way you're feeling now?

sitting outside studying on a beautiful 15 degree waterloo day... best feeling.



LOOK AT ALL THESE POSTITS.

hilarious story that mika texted me during wednesday night class that is probably true to life.

MIKA: Once there was this woman
She was pretty
Like super pretty
Gorgeous
Ittt may or may not be you. So this fiiine lady was walking down the street, lookin all badass and shit, when she suddenly gets transported to another dimension, full of cats
So she goes nuts because she loves cast, but they don't feel like cats. They suddenly turn into dogs, because they be bitches who can transform to fuck things up. They now want to attack her so she runs to the nearest building, and its named CLS (oooohhh, i just got this play on SLC... so good mika!)
The locks the door and catches her breath. Her adrenaline is pumping so that when a hand is placed on her shoulder, she karate chops the person in the neck.
Its a girl, she realizes, and the girl is choking on air. Our heroine apologizes and when the girl isn't dying from that wicked awesome move, she says her name is Blowy, and that she can help.
"cool, how do i escape?"
"you wont tell me your name"
"no, it's more badass that way"
So blowy says the only way out is through a showing of courage to impress the gods, or whatever. Our heroine knows what she must do. She walks towards the door, and blowy starts getting paranoid.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOURE GOING TO DIE, THEY MIGHT HAVE RABIES"
Pauses, looks up with strength and says "i aint no bitch"
She holds the handle on the door, and she can hear blowy crying and taking out some stuff to calm her down. She opens the door.
Beserker rage is full on. She kicks, punches, and sprays blood everywhere with expletives laced every attack. She was swearing so much that the devil became scared. When the battle was done, she laughs hysterically. Then she is back in her own world in a crowd of people. She gets embarrassed and turns red. She tells the story to her friend Zoe and she doesn't believe her, but liked Blowy. She tells the guy she likes and he totally believes her. She goes home, and as she is about to sleep, whispers "i am such a bamf"


CAN I JUST SAY, AMAZING.

there are so many things that happen in lectures with profs that i can't look at zoe otherwise i will literally lose my shit in the middle of class. for some reason every time a prof says 'mandate' i get the intense urge to giggle. of course it happened like 4 times in my english classes and also once in my pyschology class. perfect.

when i get excited i scream 'yaaaaaa!!' really quietly but like a hiss, kind of like how people imitate crowds going wild. it makes zoe go crazy with laughter.

what would i seriously do without my zoe.

mika texted me the most hilarious story last night in class... i wish i could scroll back to it and write it here but i'm too lazy right now. maybe later, remind me blog.

going out for sushi date with kelly in like, mere minutes. SO EXCITE. haven't seen kelly in weeks and also sushi. mmmm. mad cravin.

this weekend is going to be GOOD. gonna have some fun before i have to lock down and write a bajillion essays and apply for grad school.
Friday: some bunny's birthday kegger, i think it's name is Bubbles. Hoppy birthday.
Saturday: cait's costume party. so excite. not entirely sure what i'm going to be yet but i think i have a lame idea that will be good.
Sunday: CAKE. CAKECAKECAKE. okay i'm really looking forward to cake ok guize?

next weekend, maybe shopping in TO? Zoe and i both need new stuff... ya this needs to happen.

Z: Yaaaa!! :3
Z: Hahaha omg yesterday when you did that for the movie I was like having a seizure I couldn't stop laughing
A: Oh wait wat are you talking about
Z: The "yAAAAAAA!" thing you hissed in my ear. Hahahaha
A: HAHAHAHA sorry I was really excited
Z: HAHAHA everytime I think about it I like laugh really hard. Usually when I'm alone.
A: Omg we have the loneliest best friendship
Z: Hahahaha I love it

WHAT WOULD I DO WITHOUT MY GURL ZOE?!?!

and that about sums things up for me.

it's like no matter how i feel that one word decimates me.

i am being silly



i luv the way i dress sundays. i wish that it was everyday dress. oversized band t-shirts, glasses, hair messy, leftover makeup, old jeans. MOST COMFORTABLE EVER.

well you got to think with a girl like that any luck at all, well it's better than nothing.

singing matchbox 20 at top of my lungs all morning long. going to go steal supernatural season 5 from my caitie girl now and then help my mom cook.

if i could please and make everyone happy in a second, i would do it.

guess it's me first, right? that's what you've got to do, right? brutal honesty or gtfo.

i have the reddest red hair in the land and i feel pretty and just the best. mood improved by 50% at least.

i like the idea of being chased by someone. i don't know if i'd like the actual thing, but the idea is a nice one.

weather is so grumpy and makes me grumpy, too. i'm always grumpy lately. case of the grumps.

usually when people start acting like they like me, i get the fuck out of there asap.

addicting sounds are addicting.

everything tastes like tears. everything is day old regret and everything is too late.

i wrap myself in something soft and stop the feeling. i let people use me up until there's none of me left.

i'm tired, gross, pouty and i'm getting sick. i want to slip into a big sweater and glasses and just veg. instead i only get to rest for a little before night class tonight. also it's raining so my hair is doing... terrible things...

think i'm going to curl up and watch some supernatural.

Z: omg I'm going to die.
A: AHAHA not before we create all these masterpieces to leave for society
Z: HAHA
A: I wonder if people will really study us after we die.
Z: Probably. I mean, I would.
A: Yeah idk I might be biased but i'm pretty certain we're the fucking bomb.
Z: No that is probably just the facts. If people don't study us, I have no faith in humanity

i'm tired.

sad life i live...

[Zoe Kim]
Report · 11:13pm
hahaha
OMG MY TEA
srsly brb
[You]
Report · 11:13pm
HAHAH WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM
i'm just eating a plate of shredded cheese...
maybe i shouldn't talk
[Zoe Kim]
Report · 11:14pm
HAHAHAHA i love nighttime cheese fests.
[You]
Report · 11:14pm
i feel liek the biggest fatty wheneve ri just munch on some cheese
like sometimes i think omg i hsould just like microwave some cheese...
and just eat that
like not even with nachos
just the cheese...
[Zoe Kim]
Report · 11:15pm
HAHAHAHAHAHA
omg
i'm like crying and laughing and coughing.

weird shit is going on with my hair but i can't even be bothered to fix it because i'm cranky while in the best mood imaginable. 5 hours of sleep later and i definitely need more but instead i'm going to go to work on a HOLIDAY so i can avoid having to work with people. it's going to be the fucking best. i'm going to be able to sing while working. and dance. omg. ok peacing now.

baiii

2 hour skype convos are the best hour skype convos.

can't stop listening to this fucking song.

happy thanksgiving! here's what i'm wearing and feeling rather cranky about it.







CLEARLY ALL CLASS ALL THE TIME.



being me should be illegal. having too much fun by myself. ok gonna go toddle down the street in heels now.

i am trying to model my life as if it's after a person i could be proud of. i'm hitting a lot of bumps on the way. i miss zoe.

sometimes i tell myself that i hate this, i hate you, but it's a lie: it's me i hate, instead.

whenever i try to be a good person, it turns out a whole lot worse than i ever expected.

my life is always a choice between scylla and charybdis and there is no right way to go or cut your losses.

i tend to talk without thinking, ia lwyas regret things in the mornigng.

whoops!

just another sound that i would 100% fuck.

how i felt past 2 months.

dancing around my room singing this song.

handing in my grad scholarship application tomorrow... eeeeek, so nervous but also relieved! it'll be a good weight off my back.

everyone's going home for thanksgiving except me, because i already am home and live here, so this weekend will be amanda time for sure. gonna recharge and get a ton of reading done.

i think i've been dealing fairly well with stress lately. a good sign, since i've had a lot of it.

so much good tv is on tonight!! why do you do this to me television, on the night before a midterm. whyyyyyy.

i may be a silly girl, but i can get tired of your games real, real fast.

stoked that zoe and i are starting a blog titled "james joyce sober" for our writing and all of our crazy endeavors/plans. should be up in about two weeks.

my brain is so fucked up.

i want to sleep or cry or scream or punch glass.

meeting with another prof tomorrow. fuck.

He told me, every scar you have is going to tell a story
with both hands around your neck,
it's always going to be a sad one,
you are always going to be white washing the walls,
looking for white noise in all the wrong places
when all you're ever going to find is black,
some infinite place to rest your head -
it's not going to be beautiful.

You stay awhile, you memorize every line,
you play your part real good and cool until it's up,
you press your mouth to every artery and squeeze:
lap me up.

The Inuit, they have 25 words for snow, for cold,
and I press my mouth against your neck, your ear
and whisper dampness: i need just as many for sadness.