woke up this morning in a slightly better mood. i sometimes wish lately i had someone to tell all my thoughts. i miss someone who would listen without judgement, i think i miss that the most. keeping everything inside is exhausting. especially right now. i hate the internet and i miss voices because i'm so bad at reading cues and so good at it in person. i want to be a good person but it's hard sometimes. caitlin was appalled when i told her i couldn't go out on a date because i wasn't "good enough" and he deserved "way better than what i had to offer right now". this is me being a good person. this is me being unselfish. it's more draining than anything else i have going.

oh, i miss physical contact too. not even sex, just being touched. on the wrist, the neck, the hip, the places that only certain someones are allowed to glance. how much i miss this is embarrassing. when someone offers me a hug i look for a way out of it because it only makes things worse. i want to fall asleep with someone playing with my hair. actually, i'd just like to fall asleep.

amanda's embarrassingly open and honest blawg 2011.