oh my lord, listening to maroon five while writing this statement of interest is the worst ever. all i'm doing is just singing and reading research material.

ethan said my statement is pro. GENIUS STAMP OF APPROVAL?! feeling slightly less like vomming everywhere.

horror movie marathon tonight feat. mika and zoe. on the bill: teeth, jennifer's body, and bridesmaids (the last was mika's choice, idk)

my modernist prof today was drawing arches to represent st pancras station and halfway through he goes "oh gross" and starts over. could not stop giggling. luv him.

THAT'S ALL SHE WROTE.

[Mika Ilic]
Report · 2:46pm
YOU CAN DO ITTTTT
[You]
Report · 2:49pm
THANKS MIKA
[Mika Ilic]
Report · 2:51pm
WHAT YOU LACK IN HEIGHT YOU MAKE UP FOR TENFOLD IN BADASSERY, THEY'D BE FOOLISH NOT TO MAKE YOU A GRAD
[You]
Report · 2:53pm
HAHAHA

to do today on my day off when I stayed up til 3 and woke up at 11:

- Go to the library and pick up some books on 18th century pornography
- Read more of Pamela
- Contact McGuirk about a recommendation quicktimes.
- Start writing my statement of interest... when I have no idea what exactly I can bring to the study of focalization in modernist literature that is 'new' or 'exciting' or that hasn't been done before. fuuuuuuuuck.
- Contact scholarship coordinator and ask for department deadline. Also ask for transcript.
- Possibly shower at some point. and eat, that would be good too.
- Watch all the good television that's on thursday nights just to fucking spite me.
- Get Dan to send me his statement of interest so I can have an idea of what the fuck I'm writing.

I'm seriously worried about this and starting to second guess myself. maybe i'm not cut out for grad school? what can i honestly bring to the table in an area that has been looked at and picked apart by some of the most brilliant people ever, for years. i'm tired of trying to prove myself and this seems like it's the year for that. i feel lonely and lost and it's probably normal but it's frustrating after being so sure of myself all summer.

gonna memorize this over the semester if it kills me.

hnnnngggg i always wanna fuck ur voice.

Amanda: Omg walked by my car in parking lot. so embarrassed.
Zoe: Omg you need sleep. worried about your drive back...

hilarious development in my life.

walking to go to my prof's office and this guy takes a bit of his apple and then turns and CHUCKS it at the building next to us and does a FIST PUMP. looking so satisfied. could not keep my shit together, actually dying trying to hold it in until he passed us at which point zoe and i broke out into spastic fits of laughter.

this is why i can't be a psychologist, because i would just be like "don't change him, keep them all exactly as crazy as they are"

A: I feel like i'm the kind of girl that if i were a serial killer, my method would be have sex with a dude and right as he climaxes, just gut him.
Mika: Is it really weird that this is a thing I can see you doing? Would they call you the climax killer?

This is your brain on two hours sleep.

I've been writing poems since six am. working toward i don't know what. I have a meeting with Mcarthur at 11:30... ugh. i have to interview a person for an imprint position at 2. really i just want to climb back in bed and disappear. i'm going to try and sneak out of the office for a nap before night class and if anyone tries to stop me i am going to actually fight them.

also this is the comfiest shirt ever. blaaahhhhh

I retreat to lick my wounds. Soak myself in something bigger, soak myself in "everlasting", whatever that means, however long it lasts. He is like the look of sideways glances, and it's always second-guessing. It's always a step in the wrong direction with me, why do I do this to myself, dry sobbing the story of my life with my face pressed to the carpet and she's singing. Blink once if you understand me. Blink twice if you stopped giving a fuck. Don't blink at all if you're numb.

My god, those hands are life and death. I seek salvation in the small stuff. Don't get me wrong, I'm a bigger picture kind of girl, but god damn can you make my insides curl. I write high school poetry and forget myself. Delete, write raps that make me big, make me mean. I am unthinking, unfeeling, I can be cold too. All that ice at your fingertips and my god you are good at it.

Two hours of sleep and I dream that a man rips another man limb from limb. I wake up feeling ill, cold sweat, unable to place myself. Feeling bodiless I scramble for my limbs, touch every single one until I'm sure I'm me, sure I didn't fall apart in my sleep, nope, I'm here. I'm always here. What's that thing I always say when people ask me if I'm okay? Oh yeah, I'm always okay.

Count my ribs count the years on my hands god I am so small what is the use. Moth to the flame, motherfucker, here I go. There are two types of people and I am one of them. I am not going to make myself regret, I promise, every night between my fingers I lose things, I'm trying not to lose myself. The things inside my head, damn, you don't want to know. I spout apologies for myself like prayers, like it'll do me any good, like I am a thing worth saving.

bite your lip until you taste blood.

hay jp you motherfucker, 36 days until you get punched in the throat. hope you're looking forward to it.

this week i'm gonna mess shit up. gonna get recommendations and put out a paper and laugh as much as i want to, which is always a lot.

did i mention i'm a do werk kind of gurl? oh, well i am. preach.

one pierced ear and ankle socks

woke up this morning in a slightly better mood. i sometimes wish lately i had someone to tell all my thoughts. i miss someone who would listen without judgement, i think i miss that the most. keeping everything inside is exhausting. especially right now. i hate the internet and i miss voices because i'm so bad at reading cues and so good at it in person. i want to be a good person but it's hard sometimes. caitlin was appalled when i told her i couldn't go out on a date because i wasn't "good enough" and he deserved "way better than what i had to offer right now". this is me being a good person. this is me being unselfish. it's more draining than anything else i have going.

oh, i miss physical contact too. not even sex, just being touched. on the wrist, the neck, the hip, the places that only certain someones are allowed to glance. how much i miss this is embarrassing. when someone offers me a hug i look for a way out of it because it only makes things worse. i want to fall asleep with someone playing with my hair. actually, i'd just like to fall asleep.

amanda's embarrassingly open and honest blawg 2011.

sad apanda.

I dunno i'm going to make some lists because those sometimes make me happy.

shit i need to get done:
- make christmas cards for the stores.
- get in contact with mcguirk and hope he wears his green sweater to our meeting.
- meet with mcarthur on monday. beg mercilessly for recommendation.
- do research for master's thesis maybe in this century.
- read both howard's end and pamela.
- somehow come up with presentation topic relating to 17th century parody... ugh.
- hire new EIC.
- produce another paper this week.
- go to work, gotsta get paid. young rich and flashy, i be where the cash be. yadda yadda.
- remind myself that i am a beautiful, intelligent, successful and hilarious young woman and i have a lot going for me and things will all fall into place very, very soon.
- oh, and book grad pictures. fuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh

things i'm actually going to do:
- work on reknitting jp's scarf.
- watch supernatural
- stare at my dirty room and say 'i really should clean this'
- sleep
- hug kelly all tonight.

i feel a little better. now i'm going to go lock myself in a room for 5 hours and make christmas cards. bai internets.

donald glover, i would do dirty, dirty things to you.

playing the hypothetical game was the most fun ever last night... so many hypothetical situations.

if you were the last person on earth and there is one other SUPER hot girl/guy there and you guys need to procreate otherwise everything is over forever and you're SUPER horny like haven't gotten laid in 3 months and he/she is like willing to give you the best sex of your entire life BUT first he/she wants to pee on your torso area. face is totally off limits.

DO YOU ALLOW IT?

in the hypothetical game, everyone always tries to like... make more instances/dodge around the question and it just gets more and more hilarious. almost made michael throw up talking about period blood. soooo good!

sleep zero hours = getting sent home for screaming "fucking bullshit" at work.

awesome!!

see you tonight community!! so excite!!

IT'S STILL SUNNY.

girls in docs > girls in heels

who needs beauty sleep i run on reserve.

guize seriously stawp

omg staawwwpp JUST STAWP

ALL IIIIIIIIIIIII NEED TO KNOOOOOOWWW IS THAT I'M SOMETHING YOU'LL BE MISSING

you know you're born in the right time when you can now yell all these lyrics in the rain while driving your car.

gaga you're pretty much a genius and also so much respect for u.

thanks for the giant jug of water mom. now i'll only have to piss my pants all the time.

been singing "illest motherfucker alive" except replacing illest with 'grumpiest'. so satisfying.

just a heads up

if you're writing a business or work related email, i think that smiles and winky faces are off limits if you'd like to be taken seriously by me.

"LOL"

Mika: this is upsetting, people as pretty as you don't deserve to be sad
A: HAHA i don't think it's a matter of my looks
Mika: The hell it is... HAVE MOVIES BEEN TEACHING ME WRONG?!

mika you dog get outta here i dunno wat i'd do without your daily compliment pick-me-up

i get tired and then i wake up.

when 99% of us is failure, there's no going back. i know it's real slow, honey. painful and real slow.

worked out to watch the throne today. didn't go to terribly. my work out music is usually way worse. never hit shuffle when you're working out. I CAN'T GET BUFF TO THESE EMO BOY GUITAR SONGS.



now i'm the most tired motherfucker alive.

the internet, it just gets me.

YUP.

that awkward moment when you're at a restaurant getting food and the dude serving starts talking really loudly about how he's seen so many people from his high school and then you realize that he's from your high school and you don't know whether you should say hi and then he gives you his food and is like "ENJOY AMANDA FREIBURGER" and you're like D:

if i could get fucked by a sound this would be it.

i was struggling to get in, left waiting outside your door.

warning

if you play an acoustic guitar near me i will fall asleep, it's my kryptonite.

all i want is for someone to want me so much they don't need anyone else, and is that so much to ask, for someone to be content.

because if you date a crazy dude, YOU'RE DEAD.

multiple date offers when i'm emotionally unavailable.

i'm sensing that i must be seriously attractive when pining for someone.

anonymous text message received at 10:02 PM:

"your iridescence blur the perception of men, like the seductive angels of above, turning your siren eyes into the purest serenity"

my response: "omg mika is that you"

WHO ELSE WOULD COMPLIMENT ME SO THOROUGHLY?! NO ONE, THAT'S WHO.

it's so sad that my platonic male friends are the only guys who ever say nice things about me D:

"now lets take some shots of you looking brooding and thoughtful, so try to look... anything but yourself"

new theme song

"so what you're saying is that you're old enough to want to watch jeopardy every night, but not old enough to remember what time it's on at"

ACCURATE.

life lesson: if you want something, you should go out and get it.

hey guys!! it's my first day of my last year of undergrad!!

wow.

last picture ethan took of me.

i look so weird, like a sad version of amanda.

[Ethan]
Report · 7:42pm
well he is a pedo too
[You]
Report · 7:42pm
ya but that's ok so am i
[Ethan]
Report · 7:43pm
wat
boys or girls
[You]
Report · 7:44pm
both ;);)
[Ethan]
Report · 7:44pm
y don't u take a seat
over there
[You]
Report · 7:44pm
D:
THEY SAID THEY WERE COLLECTIVELY 21
[Ethan]
Report · 7:45pm
u had a 22-some?

songs i grew up hearing my dad sing.

song he sings most now:

"if he don't treat you like gold, you should just head to the left"

"you just pointed right."

yup.

tired of making the first move.

[11-09-09 5:28:18 PM] A: i don't know why she's with him, seriously.
[11-09-09 5:28:20 PM] A: i am just so sick of dumb dick.
[11-09-09 5:28:40 PM] A: like how can anyone want to fuck something that dumb.
[11-09-09 5:29:14 PM] Danny: Some people just like getting railed.
[11-09-09 5:30:15 PM] A: but smart dick is a way better fuck anyway!
[11-09-09 5:30:24 PM] A: i'm making it my pact right now to never get with dumb, loser, unsuccessful going nowhere dick again.
[11-09-09 5:31:20 PM] Danny: Can you stop referring to men as 'dick'?
[11-09-09 5:32:28 PM] A: why?! dudes call me cunt all the time.
[11-09-09 5:32:53 PM] Danny: HAHA you're outrageously inappropriate.


summin up my life.

want a man who loves redheads.

SUM TUESDAY FACTS:

it's really super cold today, like, dayum i could use a jacket cold.

also i look like a dead person from lack of sleep. yeh bags under my eyes ftw.

some guy called me "kiddo" at work today. ok grampa.

i got asked out buy a guy with bleached hair and an australian accent. i feel like twilight zone weird about it. i told him i'm not dating right now and he was like 'it's all good, we should hang out sometime!' then he told me 'cheers' when he left. why do i only get asked out at my place of work that is neither glamorous nor exciting?!

caitlin broke her toe and now she is on crutches for at least a week. she can't drive, so i'm picking my poor baybay up for the board meeting tomorrow. i hope we get food.

i somehow pulled a rib and now it's torqued and now it hurts my entire back/side so bad that i sometimes start gagging. also i have a weak stomach so this couldn't help in the least.

i think i'm going to watch moon in 2.5 seconds.

the book i've started reading for 18th century lit has wincest in it and is starting to get more interesting just from this fact alone.

AND THAT'S ALL YOU'LL EVER NEED TO KNOW ABOUT MY TUESDAY, EVER.

hay everyone, here's an intro to 18th c lit for u

[11-09-05 8:34:49 PM] Zoe K: did you read the book for hartling's class?
[11-09-05 8:35:16 PM] A: i've started it, i'm like 90 pages in i think
[11-09-05 8:35:21 PM] A: so boring
[11-09-05 8:35:25 PM] Zoe K: hahahaha!!!
[11-09-05 8:35:34 PM] Zoe K: what is it about?
[11-09-05 8:35:46 PM] A: so far just sum chick with no money complaining about how she's pretty and men want to marry her
[11-09-05 8:35:53 PM] A: for the 90 pages i've read anyway
[11-09-05 8:35:58 PM] Zoe K: HAHAHA
[11-09-05 8:36:22 PM] Zoe K: "Damn it I'm so hot. Men offering me rings."
[11-09-05 8:36:32 PM] A: they all like it and want to put a ring on it
[11-09-05 8:36:37 PM] Zoe K: HAHAHA

most amazing bed ever made, period.

[You]
Report · 10:07am
ya i'll ikea diy that shit
do some retractable blinds in there, attach them to a motor
built in screen on teh end, projector in the front
i was born to recreate this
[Camilla Locutus Baijius]
Report · 10:10am
HAHAHA *about to have sex* just a moment, i'll close the blinds *press button, blinds make horrible creaking noises and then stop part way and the motor lights on fire*
[You]
Report · 10:11am
D:
STOP RUINING MY DREAMS

ok time to relive my entire childhood by going on a 90's kick for the next week.

I'LL MAKE U MINE U KNOW I'LL TAKE U TO DA TOP

god, i swear the most beautiful girls will always be the ones that have no idea just how beautiful they are.

"if you look up feminine under the dictionary, there is a picture of amanda, until she opens her mouth and ruins it."

"or makes it BETTER"

my most distinguishing feature is my red hair, probably. i'm 5'0" so when I need to be spotted that is the thing that does it. I was walking along campus and the ads manager at the newspaper i run stopped beside me and asked if I wanted a ride. later she told me she would have never spotted me if she didn't see my long red hair flying along.

my sister and i also have a beauty mark on the exact same side of our faces, under our right eye. i think it's neat that i share this with my sister, since nothing about us looks the same whatsoever. today she told me it was getting bigger and asked if it was just eating the other freckles on my face or wat D: IT JUST MEANS I AM GETTING MORE BEAUTIFUL OK. one day it will take over completely.

for 20 minutes every night i turn myself off completely and nothing feels more wonderful. it's the one thing i look forward to every single day, without fail.

i am constantly looking for the person who will give me that very same feeling.

tonight's plans:

finish laundry & change bedding
clean room/organize desk round 2
watch blue valentine while knitting
eat a thousand fruit rollups.

ok lets getter done. ladies night tmrrw

would you please get here already?

all windows down, loud as it can go, every drive home from work.

living with no shame is pretty much the best.

me, every night, for the rest of my life.

how i feel every friday after a long week of classes/bullshit

felt like crap all day, then got this burst of energy and am currently on a cleaning mission of my entire room/closet/desk. need to get rid of the old and in with the new. step 1!!

embarrassingly dancing to maroon five in my underwear while doing this

i feel miserable and sick and now would be a great time for someone to come cuddle me and make me tea and also play with my hair.

being sick is the ultimate worst.

oh class schedule, ur so silly and empty!! currently thanking my ceaseless motivation in taking summer classes, pay off is NOW.